Upset

I’m so frustrated with myself.  I don’t know how I let myself get this huge. I MEAN FREAKING H U G E !  If you put my husband and three kids together on the scale, they MIGHT equal what I weigh.  Granted, my husband is 6′ 4″ and is only about 140, but the four of them together equal one me.  And I’m really upset about it, and don’t want to talk to anyone about it so I’m posting about it here.  That way, if I get the tears flowing, you don’t see it, and it’s ok.  If I talk about it, that might make the tears flow and someone would see it, and I don’t want that.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  Just a listener I guess.  And maybe someone to tell me to buck up and get over it and just lose the weigh 😉  Here’s what I have been doing so far: 

1.  Quit drinking soda.  I’ve read other people’s experience, and talked with others, and people have really shed the pounds once they quit drinking.  Within a few weeks they notice a difference of at least a few pounds.  It’s been over a month with no soda (except for maybe 1.5 diets, sporadically drank, not all at once) and I have not lost ONE. STINKING. POUND.  Not one.  And I don’t understand why.  I was quite the coke/pepsi consumer.  You’d think that would have made a difference.  I don’t feel any different.  I certainly don’t look any different.  And my clothes don’t fit better.  In fact, guess what?  I’ve GAINED weight.  Why?  WHY???  I’m not eating more to replace the soda.  I just don’t get it.

2.  Walking. I’ve been walking twice a day at least 4 days a week.  That’s 8 walks per week that are at least 20 minutes long, sometimes more.  And sometimes I walk more than that…if I throw in the extra walk to the post office or something, which I’ve done a few times.  And what about that 2 hour walk Niff and I took when the weather was great.  You’d think I’d notice at least SOMETHING happening from this.  But no.  My pants aren’t fitting better.  My measurements aren’t changing.  I was getting a little hungrier with the added exercise, but I didn’t over eat because of it.  I tried to drink water, or eat a small snack like a fruit or something.  Not some huge meal with dessert.  And you have to realize, I went from doing NOTHING to walking twice a day.  That was a huge jump for me.  I drove Jessica to school and drove there to pick her up.  Now I walk her there, regardless of what the weather is like, and walk her back, regardless of the weather.  Because it’s important to me to get in this exercise.  It was important to me to quit drinking soda.  I want to feel better.  I’ve not lost weight.  Not a pound, as I mentioned.  Since I had Matthew, only 9 months ago, I have, in fact GAINED 20 pounds. 

Why is it that other people can start exercising and notice at least a couple pounds or something different after a month.  And me? I gain.  I stop drinking soda.  I gain.  I try to eat better, nothing.  Sure, there are times when I want a cookie, and so I’ll eat one or two, not five or six.  I’m not going to deprive myself of a treat once in a while.  I’ve had my thyroid checked several times, so I know that’s not the issue.  So I’m not sure what it is.  I can walk more.  I have to eat a certain amount of food per day, according to my doctor at least 1800-2000 calories because I am still breast feeding nearly full time.  So a major dietery (dietary?) cut back isn’t an option.  I’m not going to start taking over the counter or prescription meds for weight loss because the long term effects are horrendous.  I don’t know what more to do.  I wasn’t expecting to lose 50 pounds in a month.  But one or two would have been nice.  Instead of a gain.  And I know that exercising can cause a bit of a weight gain because muscle weighs more than fat.  But wouldn’t I notice a difference in the way my clothes fit?

I guess I’m just really frustrated because I feel like I’m trying harder to accomplish something, and I just don’t see the effects from it. 

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Published in: on February 6, 2007 at 5:31 am  Leave a Comment  

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